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Epiphany
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The Winterblood Retainer P.1

15 Mar 2008, 21:25

As some frequenters of this forum know, I wrote an Exalted novel called Righteous Steel. From the feedback both in the posts and in IMs, it's been very plain to me for the last 2 years that it's my most successful work. Now, I have aspirations of being a writer so I decided to rewrite Righteous Steel out of Exalted and into my own. And while I was at it, take the best parts and leave out what didn't work so well.

For a long time, I've had a custom writing setting informally called the Blooded Dragon. It's a 2078 cyberpunk setting with Mages and Vampires I made back in, wow, 1999? And as far as I know, it's take on the supernatural is fairly unique. My very first book ever was set in it, involving a man and woman named Valve and Allegra. Someday, I'll return and really rewrite their story. Until then, you get Chen and Kestrel.

This book has vampires and mages. It has world-spanning conspiracy, complicated plots and over-the-top action. It's also a love story that deals frankly with the emotional stresses of loving someone you shouldn't. Everything posted here is first draft, just to get words out on paper. Already, I plan on making some significant edits. Comments are very much welcome, especially the critical kind. I'd rather hear it now than from an agent or a publisher...or, worse, not hear it at all because it sucked. Hope you enjoy the ride!



Update: Since writing this first draft, I've written a variety of other things but I keep coming back to it. I'm starting the 6th serious draft of this (with about 30 sweeps through for errors) with a plan to finally move on to writing its sequel. I truly believe what's posted here reflects the finest writing I've ever done...and I also truly believe that it's not good enough, given very mixed feedback from the few people IRL who've made it through. I'm posting the last draft here in hopes that those on the Freedom Stone, once the greatest source of feedback and critique I've ever received, may give me some final insight before spending the next several years having it rejected from agent after agent. :D

To new readers, I've left the original chapter in place so you can see what it was and what it's become. The differences 3 years and 6 drafts make will become markedly more apparent by the 5th chapter so I'd encourage you to give it a chance until then. In the meantime, please accept my heartfelt gratitude in advance if you choose to say anything at all, even "Good chapter" or "Not good chapter".
Last edited by Epiphany on 20 Jan 2011, 20:44, edited 9 times in total.
BrilliantRain: There are those who would note that sometimes, sometimes, you get the things you really need instead of the things you deserve.
Kailan: If people only ever got what they deserved, the world would be a more miserable place.

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Re: Righteous Steel 2078 P.1 (Vampires on Holy Ground)

15 Mar 2008, 21:29

Holy Trinity Lutheran Church. 65th Street and Central Park West, New England Conglomerate. 22:01. May 8th, 2078.

When Chen stood in a church, it always reminded her of God's mercy. It was easy to think of sin when one stood on holy ground. The black-haired Chinese woman found it easier than most, though. After all, she carried a pistol strapped to the back of her leg under her dress. Then there was the small detail that she hadn't drawn a living breath in almost 80 years.

"The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace."

The familiar rituals washed the unsteadiness in her mind away, a relief Chen had grown to cherish. "Amen," she said. Her hand unconsciously gripped the small gold cross she wore around her neck. Chen smiled as the tiny points of metal indented her palm. Chen smiled because she was in a church, holding a cross, having just said a prayer. Some people laughed at the thought of wasting time on devotion. Even some Christians took it for granted, going through the motions and rituals without thinking. She always thought about it, though, because she couldn't take it for granted.

No vampire would.

Chen leaned against the pale wooden pew in front of her. Life surrounded her, beating its way perceptibly across her eyes. She could smell it with every breath, a rich aroma that promised a relief to the never-gone nagging of an inhuman thirst. Every Sunday, Chen came to her church...and every Sunday she smiled that she could still worship God despite being what she was.

The Holy Trinity Lutheran Church was a magnificent building, centuries old and filled with faded memory of song and prayer. It filled with song once more when the cantor led the choir in a hymn. Chen joined her voice with theirs, not bothering with a songbook she didn't need. Times like this, she thought she could almost feel Him. Chen knew God was merciful but no one understood mercy like a vampire. That He could still love her despite what she was...it amazed her in a way mortals could only glimpse.

A wrinkled old hand enfolded hers as the last refrain settled into silence. When the service was done, Chen patted that hand and put an arm around its owner. "How'd you like it, Huang?"

"Same as ever. But that's part of what I like. Same with you," said the grumbling voice.

Old Man Tseng Huang was the patriarch of a large family. Two of his three sons sat with their families here in the back of the church. Spread out in front of them was six of the grandkids and their families, more than two dozen of them in total. It was a huge collection of the Tseng family and it made Chen happy and heartbroken, all at the same time. Old Man Tseng looked at them the same way she did, if for different reasons. He was proud...but he knew he wouldn't be able to see them much longer.

"Keeping Father company, Chen?" Michael asked. Huang's oldest son had gray in the hair at his temples but there was nothing distant or reserved in the warmth of his gaze when he looked at her. He and his family loved her, welcomed her and invited her to dozens of day-time outings she could never make. Chen knew she seemed the distant relative, presumably too busy with a career to spend much time or start a family. If they only knew.

"Anything for my grand-uncle," Chen said. She didn't know what felt more uncomfortable, pretending to be younger than her brother or remembering to use English honorifics. Their parents had been traditional, after all. Even if her brother insisted on dropping the use with all his family, including her, old habits died hard. "How're you feeling, Huang?" Chen asked, switching back to Chinese as she dropped into the pew next to him.

Old Man Tseng sat down next to her with a weary stiffness. He really looked the part these days. A long time ago, he'd had the same thick black hair Chen had. It was white now, thin and worn. His skin color had pallor similar in shade to hers but it looked a lot worse on him. Tseng Huang was a wrinkled, grey old man who probably wouldn't live to see 100. Doctors had licked cancer, Alzheimer's and infection but the richest person could only live so long without augmentation. Huang refused...and in staying mortal, he could only live a mortal's lifespan.

"Poor," he said, blinking a few times as he settled down. Then he smiled at her...and it was the smile Chen had always known, the same unchanging black eyes they shared. "I come to the evening services for you, you know."

"I know," Chen said, pressing her hand over his. Michael caught her eye and looked significantly at his father's pocket. "Huang, are you taking the medication still?"

"I can't fool you," he grumbled. Then he looked fondly at her. "Never could."

Chen put her arm around him and gave him a firm hug. "Huang...I know you don't like it but please take it. I need..." Chen dropped the pitch of her voice, "...I need my brother. You're the only one I have. What am I going to do when you're gone?"

"Watch my kids," he said, closing his eyes and leaning back wearily in his chair. Then, in English, he said, "Maybe meet a boy."

Chen laughed, the sound disappearing in the murmur of the crowd. Her hands flattened down a wrinkle in the bright gold silk of her sleeveless dress. The high Mandarian collar and flower-patterned brocade felt distinctly different from her normal wear. That was part of the appeal. Her traditional church clothes had always been a comfort to her, though she rarely had occasion to wear them. She spent more time in the more casual business clothes she wore when working for the Winterblood Family.

"It wouldn't hurt you to meet someone, Chen."

"Perhaps, Huang. It's not for lack of trying, you know. I just haven't found the right man for me."

"You're older than I am," he laughed hoarsely, joining her mirth. "And you've never met the right guy?" Chen shrugged. "Well, keep at it. Sarah was the light of my life." His dry old hand enfolded hers, age touching age but only one of them showing it. The wick of his life flickered in embers now, yet he still felt so alive. More than she did. "I want you to love someone like that."

"I do," Chen said. And she kissed his cheek.

Everyone thought Chen was a distant cousin, his grand-niece. Tseng Chen was supposedly the granddaughter of Tseng Chen, Huang's older sister. It...well, it was a lie but they wouldn't understand otherwise.

How long until they forgot her? After Huang died, they'd stop coming to evening services and she'd see them a lot less. Soon, she'd be that nice grand-niece no one really thought about. Then they'd forget her entirely.

A wail went up nearby, just a single pew over. Everyone arched their necks to see. Little Tanya and Gregory, 8 and 9 respectively, looked guilty as their cousin Matthew cried loudly and cupped his head. Parents flocked like battlefield medics, breaking up the scene and assessing the wounded. Chen smiled at the heated remarks Larissa and Caitlyn Tseng exchanged over their children...and stopped when Chen saw Caitlyn, Matthew's mother, hold up to fingers flecked with blood.

The globules of rich red glowed like lit wax candles in the dimness of the church. Her stomach cramped reflexively and her mouth watered but Chen didn't wait for it to get worse. Instead, the vampire pulled open her purse and pawed through it for her noseplugs.

"Allergies again, Chen?" Michael said, sitting down next to her.

"They strike swiftly," she said, finding the case and snapping it open. The plugs were a pale lavender, a special medical filter designed to fit in the nose and stream out allergens. A side effect most didn't think about is that they greatly diminished one's sense of smell. Chen fit them in place and took a deep breath. Just the barest hint of the blood scent crept through, drowned at once by the minute release of inhalant. It cut the nascent lust in her stomach, breaking the chain reaction that would lengthen fang and threaten her self-control.

"Have you been to that specialist I suggested?" Michael asked.

"I haven't, no." Looking in his eyes, Chen realized the middle-aged man hadn't suggested the same specialist he had for years but instead remembered that he'd spoken to her about it before...and Michael remembered her cover story of allergies. He remembered. "Thank you for thinking of me," Chen said, unexpectedly touched. Had she really spent that much time around him? "I'll see him when I have the time. However, the service is over and I must get to work."

"Leaving so soon?" Huang said, holding onto her hand when she tried to stand up.

"I must," she said. "I am due at work soon."

"Come this weekend. The whole family's meeting for dinner. I made sure it would start late enough for you to miss the food but arrive for the fun."

"Ah." She hummed thoughtfully, trying to think of the most tactful way to express an objection. "I expect James and Bradley will be there? Is Michael still intent on convincing me they are worth dating?" Huang's grin mirrored by his eldest son's was all the answer she needed. "I expect my family will not be content until I am properly married off with a family of my own." She smiled slightly at the thought of children. Such things could never be for such as her...but a lack of a heartbeat didn't mean her heart didn't yearn for it.

"Would marriage be such a bad thing?"

"Marriage, no...not a marriage that led to a family." She patted her brother's sleeve. "But I cannot offer any man that blessing. And I have never loved a man enough to steal warmth from his light." Michael didn't know Chinese, allowing her to make secret remarks to Huang in the midst of their family. "Thank you but I am content with how things are."

"Until I pass away," he said. Those old black eyes were still sharp, about the only thing left to her younger brother that was. "They'll start to forget you after that, like they did before when you stayed away. Promise me this time you won't. And if you need to leave to pass for the next generation, promise me you'll come back to them."

"I promise," Chen said.

"Sandra will probably get married next year, she's still seeing that nice Grayson boy." Huang closed his eyes and looked suddenly, desperately pale. "I doubt I'll see it." Those eyes opened and fixed her in their sights. "Stay in their lives, Chen. Not for them. For you."

"I..."

"You're terribly alone, older sister. I'm the only real tie you have left. Let them be what I won't be anymore. I'll watch over you after my resurrection and I'll be quite upset with you if you refuse. You may endure a long time on this earth. Endure it with your family."

"Younger Brother..." Chen's receiver chimed in her ear, interrupting the unformed sentence. The antique-looking earring beamed sound into her ear somehow and the slick device could pick up her voice when she wanted to talk without a visible receiver. These days, it was old tech, ancient tech, but implants were not an option for a dead woman.

She almost tapped the earring to block the call. Chen wanted another 30 minutes with her family at least. Then Chen heard the quiet, surprisingly sharp voice of the phone's software say "Mayor Sara Winterblood."

Just like that, Chen felt the Geas in her blood light to life. Most nights the Chinese woman could forget she wasn't like other Chinese women. All it took to destroy that illusion was a serious thought of ignoring a Winterblood, in defiance of her Sovereign's will. Obey the Winterblood Family, the Geas whispered, its cool fire roping through her bones, locking her arm in place before she could disconnect the phone. And Chen had to. It wasn't pretty, she wasn't proud of it but what it was and how she felt didn't matter.

Inside that lovely golden dress that matched her complexion so well, Tseng Chen was a slave.
Last edited by Epiphany on 20 Sep 2008, 12:38, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Righteous Steel 2078 P.1 (Vampires on Holy Ground)

16 Mar 2008, 01:36

This certainly looks interesting. Will Kestrel make an appearance?
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Re: Righteous Steel 2078 P.1 (Vampires on Holy Ground)

16 Mar 2008, 02:18

BrilliantRain wrote:
This certainly looks interesting. Will Kestrel make an appearance?


Yep!
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Kailan: If people only ever got what they deserved, the world would be a more miserable place.

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Re: Righteous Steel 2078 P.1 (Vampires on Holy Ground)

16 Mar 2008, 04:04

Interesting. Very interesting. I'll certainly be reading this.
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Re: Righteous Steel 2078 P.1 (Vampires on Holy Ground)

17 Mar 2008, 02:48

Dallen Andair wrote:
Interesting. Very interesting. I'll certainly be reading this.


What he said!
 
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Re: Righteous Steel 2078 P.1 (Vampires on Holy Ground)

22 Mar 2008, 00:38

Awesome, I'm already intrigued. :) Now I have to go and read the rest of them.

I assume that since this is going bookwards, a bit of editing here and there would not be taken amiss? Near the middle, there is the line "His dry old hand enfolded mine, age touching age but only one of us showing it." I like the image, but it's not dialogue, so I think it's probably meant to be third person. ;)
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Re: Righteous Steel 2078 P.1 (Vampires on Holy Ground)

22 Mar 2008, 18:31

Dallen: I hope you'll like it. But I suspect you will.

Anteros: And likewise!

Friv: Fixed! And...uhh...ooops? I make a lot of writing mistakes but first/third person isn't one of them typically. Thanks for catching it! Any other critique is always, always welcome.
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Kailan: If people only ever got what they deserved, the world would be a more miserable place.

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Re: Righteous Cybersteel P.1 - Vampires on Holy Ground

01 Aug 2008, 09:15

Oh now this is interesting...*arches eyebrow*
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
 
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Re: The Winterblood Retainer P.1

20 Jan 2011, 20:37

Update: Since writing this first draft, I've written a variety of other things but I keep coming back to it. I'm starting the 6th serious draft of this (with about 30 sweeps through for errors) with a plan to finally move on to writing its sequel. I truly believe what's posted here reflects the finest writing I've ever done...and I also truly believe that it's not good enough, given very mixed feedback from the few people IRL who've made it through. I'm posting the last draft here in hopes that those on the Freedom Stone, once the greatest source of feedback and critique I've ever received, may give me some final insight before spending the next several years having it rejected from agent after agent. :D

To new readers, I've left the original chapter in place so you can see what it was and what it's become. The differences 3 years and 6 drafts make will become markedly more apparent by the 5th chapter so I'd encourage you to give it a chance until then. In the meantime, please accept my heartfelt gratitude in advance if you choose to say anything at all, even "Good chapter" or "Not good chapter".




Holy Trinity Lutheran Church. 65th Street and Central Park West, New England Conglomerate. 22:01. May 8th, 2078.

When Tseng Chen stood in a church, it always reminded her of God's mercy. It was easy to think of sin when one stood on holy ground. The Chinese woman found it easier than most, though.

Some Christians took wearing a cross or walking in a church for granted, going through the motions and rituals of a Christ-centered life without thinking. She always remembered the gift of mercy, the reprieve of sin and the grace of standing among God's worshippers. Any Christian might.

Any Retainer would.

"Almighty God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, keep you in his light and truth and love now and forever," the priest said as the wedding concluded.

The ancient throb of the organ filled the vastness of Holy Trinity and the Recessional began. Her hand unconsciously gripped the small gold cross she wore around her neck, just as her other smoothed down the rich red-brocade pattern of her gold dress. Despite what she was, God permitted her entrance to His church and this holy wedding ceremony.

She stood with the rest of her family as the bride and groom left the altar. The young beaming Caitlyn Tseng looked ecstatic with her new husband. Caitlyn Alister now, just as it should be. Chen smirked slightly as her grand-niece stopped to collect her five year old son, Matthew. Not everything was the way it should be but chastity had vanished even in Chen's youth. A youth that was a very long time ago.

"You are not so old, elder sister."

A wrinkled old hand enfolded hers as she looked down. Chen patted that hand and put an arm around its owner. "How do you know what I'm thinking, younger brother?" she asked in Chinese.

"I have many children, lots of practice."

It was true. Old Man Tseng Huang was the patriarch of this large family. Two of his three sons sat with their families here in the back of the church. Six of the grandkids and their families were spread out in front of them, more than two dozen of them in total. A huge collection of the Tseng family had turned out for the wedding of Huang's granddaughter and it made Chen happy and heartbroken, all at the same time.

Michael, Huang's oldest son, stood right in front of her, his hair gray now. Despite the difference of generation and age, there was nothing distant or reserved in the way Michael treated Chen. She knew she seemed the distant relative, presumably too busy with a career to spend much time or start a family. If they only knew.

"Michael looks very proud," Chen said.

"Your grand-uncle is."

"Don't," Chen said.

"Why does calling him that bother you so much?"

"Because it's not true."

"You've been his aunt, then his niece and now his grand-niece. Aren't you used to it by now?"

"Can we just enjoy the wedding?"

"Of course," he said, blinking a few times as he settled down.

Old Man Tseng sat down with a weary stiffness and Chen made sure he was comfortable. A long time ago, he'd had the same thick black hair Chen had. It was white now, thin and worn. His skin color had pallor similar in shade to hers but it looked a lot worse on him. Tseng Huang was a wrinkled, gray old man who probably wouldn't live to see 100. Doctors had licked cancer, Alzheimer's and infection but the richest person could only live so long without augmentation. Huang refused...and in staying mortal, he could only live a mortal's lifespan.

"I'm happy you came. I don't see you very often." Despite his age, it was the same smile she'd always known.

"I know," Chen said, pressing her hand over his. Then she noticed Michael giving his father's jacket pocket a meaningful look. Chen knew the cue. "Huang, are you taking the medication still?"

"You're like a rat." His grumble faded into a fond look. "You nibble and never stop. Michael's just as bad as you are."

Chen put her arm around him and gave him a firm hug. "Huang...I know you don't like it but please take it. I need..." Chen dropped the pitch of her voice, "...I need my brother. You're the only one I have. What am I going to do when you're gone?"

"Watch my kids," he said, closing his eyes and leaning back wearily in his chair. Then, in English, he said, "Maybe meet a boy."

Chen laughed, the sound disappearing in the murmur of the crowd. "Perhaps, Huang. It's not for lack of trying, you know. I just haven't found the right man for me."

"What about that Darius?"

"He's just-it's complicated," she said, feeling her face color.

"That boy loves you." Chen bowed her head as her cheeks heated further. Then she looked up when Huang's dry old hand enfolded hers, age touching age but only one of them showing it. The wick of his life flickered in embers now, yet he still felt so alive. More than she did.

"Huang..."

"Sarah was the light of my life. I want you to love someone like that."

"I do," Chen said. And she kissed his cheek.

"Grandfather, are you coming?" a woman's voice asked.

It was Caitlyn, who looked wonderful in her pristine wedding gown. It wasn't a Chinese dress or a Chinese ceremony but Chen understood. Caitlyn's grandmother Sarah had been white. Michael, Caitlyn's father, had also married a white woman. It was a little unsettling sometimes that Chen looked so different from the rest of her family but she'd had decades to grow accustomed to it.

"Coming in a minute. Receptions, all that fuss, what is that to family?"

"Is this someone I should know, grandfather?"

"Of course, of course, this is my grand-niece Chen," Huang said as he waved magnanimously at his older sister. Chen ducked her head and brushed away the straight black locks that fell across her eyes. "Don't be shy, Chen, you came to see your cousin wed."

"I..." With effort, Chen met the tall statuesque blonde's curious eyes and forced a polite smile.

What can I say? We've met? We've met many times and you'll forget this time too, once you look away? Only Huang and sometimes Michael ever remembers me when Darius isn't around? I'm so tired of lying about who I am.

A wail went up nearby, just a single pew over, thankfully interrupting the unpleasant moment. Everyone arched their necks to see. Grandkids, eight and nine respectively, looked guilty as a cousin cried loudly and cupped his head. Parents flocked like battlefield medics, breaking up the pack of kids playing too roughly and assessing the wounded. Chen smiled at the heated remarks her nephews' wives exchanged over their children...and stopped when one of them hoisted onto her hip a boy with a bloody nose.

The globules of rich red glowed like lit wax candles in the dimness of the church. Her stomach cramped reflexively and her mouth watered. Chen didn't wait for it to get worse. Instead, she pulled open her purse and pawed through it for her noseplugs.

"Oh, you poor thing," Caitlyn said, touching her arm. Chen trembled with the effort it took not to react. So much life, just an inch away. "Allergies?"

"They strike swiftly," Chen said, finding the case and snapping it open. The plugs were pale lavender, a special medical filter designed to fit in the nose and stream out allergens. They also greatly diminished one's sense of smell. Chen took a deep breath once they were in place. Just the barest hint of the blood scent crept through before inhalant automatically fired, drowning it out. The nascent thirst in her stomach died before it fully woke.

"You should come to Dad's party this week," Caitlyn said. "You're family."

Chen simply nodded until Caitlyn turned away. "Congratulations!" she said in a swift rush. The blonde bride glanced back and smiled at Chen.

"You should come," Huang said to her from his seat at the pew. "Bring your boy."

"Darius Winterblood is not my boy. Younger brother, you know I work for him. Even if he likes me, it would be awkward. Is seeing me with a man so important to you?" The way Huang grinned was all the answer she needed. Matchmaking again. "You just want me properly married off with a family of my own, even though I've told you how impossible that is."

"Would marrying that boy be such a bad thing?"

"Marriage and children are never bad." She patted her brother's sleeve. "But I cannot offer Darius that blessing. What I am makes that impossible and I-I do not love him enough to be a bride worthy of him. Thank you but I am content with how things are."

"Until I pass away," he said. Those old black eyes were still sharp, about the only thing left to her younger brother that was. "They'll forget you, even the few who remember you now. Just like the last two times. Promise me you'll come back to them. Not good being so alone, sister. You may endure a long time on this earth. Endure it with your family."

"I will," Chen said. "I promise."

Then her headset chimed. The antique-looking earring beamed sound into her ear and it could pick up her voice when she wanted to talk without a visible receiver. These days, it was old tech, ancient tech, but implants were not an option for a Retainer. Chen tapped the earring and heard the quiet, surprisingly sharp voice of the phone's software say "Mayor Sara Winterblood."

Just like that, Chen felt the Geas in her blood light to life.

Most nights she could forget she wasn't like other Chinese women. All it took to destroy that illusion was a serious thought of ignoring a Winterblood, in defiance of her Sovereign's will. Obey the Winterblood Family, the Geas whispered, its cool fire roping through her bones. And Chen had to. It wasn't pretty, she wasn't proud of it, but none of that mattered.

Inside that lovely golden dress that matched her complexion so well, Tseng Chen was a slave.

"Sir?" she asked as she answered the other woman.

"Hi, Ms. Tseng, I know we haven't spoken before but I'm on Broadway, heading to the Queensboro Bridge East and I'm taking fire. My guards are dead so if you could spare a little help, I'd appreciate it."

The Mayor voice was a warm alto that managed to sound apologetic about being shot at. It didn't matter if she was. The Geas wrapped itself through every muscle and bone.

"On route, Sir." Chen cast her elderly younger brother a sorrowful look, then took off at a dead run. The Expressway was 200 feet above street level. And she had likely no more than a couple of minutes to save the life of the New England Conglomerate's Mayor.
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Kailan: If people only ever got what they deserved, the world would be a more miserable place.

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Dinosaur
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Re: The Winterblood Retainer P.1

20 Jan 2011, 23:38

Cultural note: When you get to be an aged, respected patriarch/matriarch, there's a more formal version of "Old Man" appended to your name, such that people will call you "Lao [SURNAME]". At least, this is as it was explained to me back in first semester Mandarin.

The demi-cliffhanger setup does good for the flow into the next chapter, I think. Seems like the description of distance and the sentence describing how little time she has to accomplish her objective could be connected with a comma, but I might like long sentences too much.

Appendix: Having gotten back into BattleTech recently, the spelling you've chosen for Chen's surname makes me picture her as a highly-acclaimed mechwarrior of Clan Ghost Bear. Funny OT comment over and out.
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Re: The Winterblood Retainer P.1

25 Jan 2011, 20:01

Dinosaur:

Interesting cultural note! I'll have to give some thought on how that might play in. Given Huang married a white girl and each generation of family has become less and less Chinese, Chen seems the one most likely to do it, though, which would be weird since he's her younger brother. Good to note, though!

Thanks for the feedback on the pacing and flow; knowing what works is as important as knowing what doesn't, I've often found. Yeah, the last two sentences would tie well together but then I also like long sentences and I've been 'encouraged' over and over again to break them up...

I can totally see Chen as a mechwarrior. Hmmmm, arguably there are mechs in this setting...
BrilliantRain: There are those who would note that sometimes, sometimes, you get the things you really need instead of the things you deserve.
Kailan: If people only ever got what they deserved, the world would be a more miserable place.

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Dinosaur
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Re: The Winterblood Retainer P.1

26 Jan 2011, 10:29

Epiphany wrote:
I can totally see Chen as a mechwarrior. Hmmmm, arguably there are mechs in this setting...


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